i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Randomize
