did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
