My Higher Power is John Stamos
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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