hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
