You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
