I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I checked into jail on foursquare
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Randomize
