two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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