I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
