I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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