I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Randomize
