I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
