Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
