Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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