I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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