I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
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