just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
and i looked up. we had an audience...
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
