I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Randomize
