Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
