i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
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He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
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I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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