I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
