I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
