Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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