i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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