I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
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