We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
