we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
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My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
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A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.