saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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