Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
