I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
Randomize
