I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
babies were throwing up all over the place
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
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