Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
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He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
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My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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