I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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