Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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