just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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