Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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