Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
