Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
