just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
