Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
