Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
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I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
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No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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