matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
