i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
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