so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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