y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
