Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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