Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
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