I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
