I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I have surprise drugs for everyone
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Randomize
