Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
