God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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