The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
