I threw up into my coffee this morning.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
