They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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