Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
