I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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