I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Mom said you looked used
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
