I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
