i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
