He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
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