I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
