i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
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