hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
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